So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My vagina is very pro this idea
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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