At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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