dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
did i walk over a car last night?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
