You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
