Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you would pick up someone in the library
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
