My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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