we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
