I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
