you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
