I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
