Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
