remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
