I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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