I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
