In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
