So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
