He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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