I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Blood and glitter go together right?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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