I love black thongs
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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