i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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