I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
