I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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