that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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