Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
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