I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You smell like stripper and shame
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
