I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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