He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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