I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
