I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
