i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
