Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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