i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
