i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
