I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
