i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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