Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Randomize
