i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
