I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
