You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just blew my weed a kiss
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
