Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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