I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
