And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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