you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize