peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
