she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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