Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
