Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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