hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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