I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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