Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
