this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
